Biden Declares First Year “Better than Anyone Expected”

President Biden faced the media in the first semi-normal press conference since he took office and declared “I have probably outperformed expectations.” Despite the claim, polls show him plumbing the depths of how low public approval of a president can go.

While admitting his hopes for unifying all Americans behind him have run into trouble, the President blamed “racist and disloyal Republicans for fomenting the hatred that is dividing the country. Rather than accepting the mandate of the largest number of votes I received than any other president, they have consistently objected my plan to spend ourselves back to prosperity. They raise silly questions like 'where is the money going to come from' and 'how will we ever be able to pay back the trillions we are borrowing.' This is old fogy thinking. Modern monetary theory says we don't have to pay anything back because the government has the power to create as much new money as we want.”

The President then parried concerns over supply-chain problems by pointing out that “shoppers can still get 89% of the food they need” and promising that “inflation is not a problem because I will issue an executive order to the Treasury to starting sending out more money to each household in America regardless of whether the people are here legally or not. On top of this, all the food saved by denying the unvaccinated from entering restaurants can gathered up and redistributed among the vaccinated--just like the loaves and fishes in the Bible--to help close the 11% gap between what groceries have on their shelves and what the consumers need.”

In related news, a survey conducted by Politico and Morning Consult found that 37% of respondents gave Biden a grade of “F” for his performance as president. The President is said to find these results “encouraging” because “this means that 63% give me a passing grade. That's better than I did in college.”