Biden Dismisses Threat of Nuclear War

Earlier this week, Russian President Vladimir Putin directed his military to move to heightened readiness to launch nuclear weapons because of “aggressive statements” by NATO countries. Russian TV host Dmitry Kiselyov boasted “our submarines can shoot more than 500 nuclear warheads. This would guarantee destruction of the USA, and all other NATO countries.”

In answer to a reporter's question “should Americans be worried about nuclear war?” President Biden responded with a firm “no. Look, surveys show that less than 25% of Americans can find Delaware on a map. We're counting on Putin doing even worse. As long as I stay in my basement I should be safe. Americans need not fear that their leader in this time of crisis will be taken out. Hey, with any luck a Russian nuclear missile strike will take out Manchin in West Virginia. He poses a far greater threat to this country than Russia ever will.”

Meanwhile, the White House is said to be exploring the idea of sending Vice-President Kamala Harris to Russia to serve as a hostage. “With the VP in Putin's hands this should alleviate any fears he has regarding our designs on him,” said a confidential source. “It should immediately offset the demand by Sen. Graham that Putin be targeting for assassination. Clearly, we could not go ahead when the cost would be the murder or torture of Harris if she is in their hands. So far, she has been a net negative for the President. The feeling here is that it's time she made a positive contribution to the Administration.”