Biden Issues Two New Executive Orders

In a bid to bolster a couple of weak spots in his plans for reelection in 2024, President Biden took up the "pen" he so boldly boasts he has as a key weapon for saving democracy, to issue a pair of new executive orders.

In one of the EOs he ordered Americans "to ignore the House Republican investigation of my son Hunter and my brothers. They are just businessmen trading on my name and fame. Their deals with foreign governments have brought a lot of cash back into our country and helped us recover from the Trump recession I inherited when I took office. The fact that they have profited from their efforts just demonstrates that go-getters can still make it in America."

In the other EO, he ordered that "all talk of a possible recession be suppressed. A large contributor to prosperity is an upbeat attitude. I'm counting on the media--including social media--to see that negativity is squelched. I don't want to see it on TV. I don't want to read about it in the newspapers. I don't want there to be any tweets or posts complaining about the economy. If we concentrate on happy thoughts the economy can fly to new heights. No one should be allowed to bring us down with unacceptable negativity."

In related news, Biden is said to be contemplating declaring a health emergency to thwart the disunity arising from the Supreme Court's overturning of the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre explained that "the very idea that each state could have its own unique policy on the issue is inherently dis-unifying. He believes that abortion is a human right that no state has a right to deny to any person for any reason. A calico pattern of variation from one state to another is simply unacceptable in a democracy. It his obligation to mandate a uniform unrestricted access to the procedure nationwide."