Biden “Perfectly Comfortable” with Payments He declared “Garbage”

When news broke a few days ago that his Department of Justice was negotiating a deal to pay some illegal immigrants $450,000 in damages, President Biden declared the news “garbage.” Now that he has had time to confer with his advisors, he has pronounced himself “perfectly comfortable” with the idea.

Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that “when the President was informed of the very real suffering endured by these people—trekking hundreds, and in some cases, thousands of miles to get to the United States—he immediately saw the justice behind the demanded payments. The United States advertises itself as the 'land of opportunity.' Well, one of those opportunities is the right to sue someone for damages. By paying these people what they ask we are reaffirming our country's promise to welcome the wretched refuse of other countries. What could be more welcoming than a large sum of cash?”

Psaki also pointed out that the money to be paid will be tax-free because “these poor unfortunate people have already suffered enough without having to be inflicted with the burdens and intrusions that are meant for the affluent and selfish American citizens that former President Trump sought to defend and enrich at the expense of the world's poor. Voters rejected that approach in the 2020 election. Now we are reaping the rewards of that wise decision.”

In related news, the Federal Election Commission has ruled, by a 4-2 majority, that foreign money can be used to fund US election campaigns. A commissioner anonymously explained that “what happens in US politics has effects that extend beyond our borders. Since foreigners who may be impacted by these effects can't vote in our elections allowing them to invest money to persuade others to vote the way they want seemed a fair way for us to address their rights in these matters.”