California Bans Gas Heaters

The California Air Resources Board (CARB) has decreed that natural gas heaters and furnaces will be illegal in the state after 2030. CARB Chair Liane Randolph declared this draconian measure “essential for cleaning our air of carbon emissions.” She rebuffed contentions that the ban will cause unnecessary hardship for those who can’t afford the pricier options of wind or solar heating, saying “people are mammals. This means we each generate body heat. Garments were invented by the human race as a protection against the cold. If we each wear a sufficient number of garments the need for external heat can be greatly diminished.”

Gov. Gavin Newsom heaped lavish praise on CARB, calling it “one of the vanguards of our struggle against the excesses of capitalism. The idea that humans should exploit nature for their own comfort and happiness is too dangerous to be allowed free rein. All must be compelled to make the sacrifices experts say are needed to reduce the human footprint. The natural process of shivering is less polluting and less expensive than using fire to keep warm.”

The Governor promised that “electricity rationing will be the next step toward our goal of reversing the artificial lifestyle to which too many people have become accustomed. It’s one thing to use scarce resources to support the government and the officers who run it. The important people are few in number and can be comfortably supported with minimal environmental damage. However, it is impractical to try to keep the masses comfortable without doing major harm to the climate.”

Newsom predicted that “voters will support the enlightened few of us who have the vision and the guts to make the hard choices required and to impose the necessary sacrifices everyone must endure to save the planet. The obedience achieved during the covid pandemic proved that the majority of Americans want to be ruled by experts. I am the man who will be chosen by them to do this in the 2024 presidential election.”

By John Semmens