More Regulations on the Way
Semi-News/Semi-Satire By John Semmens
The Department of Energy wants to require that ceiling fans be more energy efficient. It is estimated that this regulation would increase fan manufacturing costs by over $80 million per year and drive 10 to 30% of small fan manufacturing firms out of business. Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm defended the new regulation, saying "it will save consumers an estimated 33 cents per month over the 10-year life of each fan. As for the impact on small businesses, we saw during the pandemic shutdown that most of them are not essential. A winnowing out of the weakest of them would probably strengthen our economy."
The Biden Administration’s health “czar” Dr. George Koob wants the Department of Agriculture (USDA) to lower its guidelines for alcohol consumption from one drink per day to two drinks per week. Koob said "if I can get by on two glasses of buttery Californian Chardonnay per week, I don't see why everyone else can't do the same.” He went on to pooh-pooh research purporting to show health benefits from moderate alcohol consumption as "wishful thinking. Alcohol is a poison. The less of it you take the better off you'll be. Given the success of the covid vaccination program, I'd say the chances of convincing most of the population to agree to regular injections of Vivitrol look pretty good."
Fourteen major American cities (Austin, Boston, Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New Orleans, New York City, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Portland, San Francisco, Washington, DC, and Seattle) have set ambitious goals for saving the planet from climate catastrophe. By the year 2030 they hope to eliminate meat and dairy from their residents' diets, bar privately owned vehicles from their streets, limit each person to a maximum of three new items of clothing per year and one 1500 miles or shorter flight ever third year. Jet-setter John Kerry, Biden's Special Presidential Envoy for Climate, praised "the courage of these forward looking mayors. A lot of these goals will be hard on the people they govern, but someone has to force the changes needed to save the planet, heaven knows ordinary people can't be trusted to voluntarily do the right thing."